Goodbye 5-0 Club!

Years ago when my wife and I were first married I started a club: The 5-0 Club. (Pronounced “five oh” like in ”Hawaii Five-0.”) As a money-conscious cheapo moocher, who was determined to buy a house as soon as possible, I was aware of every little penny our family was spending. So I identified the 5 most common monthly expenses in our society that I think are unnecessary, especially while saving for something, or living on a tight budget -- and became determined to avoid them.

They are, in my opinion: Call Waiting, Caller ID, Cable Television, Internet, and Cell Phone.

We knew that we’d be living in apartments for the first few years of our marriage, while saving obsessively for a down payment on a house. Therefore I started this club and invited all my friends and family to join. There was but one membership requirement: Do not incur any of the 5 most common unnecessary monthly expenses. Stated another way, you could incur ZERO of them. Five common expenses – zero incurred. Five-0. Get it? If you were paying for any of those monthly services, you were ineligible. Period.

Not surprisingly, it turned out to be a very exclusive club. The most members we ever had at one time was 4 – a couple friends of ours and a sibling, though none of them remained members for very long. But think about it, none of those monthly services are really necessary if you’re living on a tight budget or trying to save for something. You can get free Internet if you must have it, albeit dialup and limited hours per month -- but still it’s Internet. You can get free over-the-air TV with an antenna. You certainly don’t need Caller ID or Call Waiting on your home phone – those are silly spoiled luxuries that push us further toward the Me-First Anti-Social On-Demand mentality anyway. As for cell phones, heaven knows (and our parents proved) we don’t need them. Yes, you can make an argument that you want your wife to have one in case of emergencies, but in that case, go buy a pay-per-minute plan and a cheap phone and use it only for emergencies and you’re still eligible for the club.

My wife and I saw the 5-0 Club membership wax and wane (mostly wane) since its inception in 2001, but we remained members throughout the years. We have been the sole members for about 2 years now. Well, no longer. Sadly, it is time to say goodbye to ol’ 5-0.

Yes, this coming Monday we are officially getting turned on. No – get your mind out of the gutter – I don’t mean like that, I mean in the High Speed Internet sense. It is time. The free 10-hours-per-month dialup plan that we’ve been getting from NetZero for 7 years has finally and officially worn out its welcome in our house. We are moving to, and, gasp, actually going to be paying for, DSL.

Farewell fond 5-0, I shed a tear for you. As the only club that I ever started that actually meant something I will miss you greatly. (Actually I shouldn’t forget the many No-Girls-Allowed clubs founded by my brothers and I, that were wildly successful in our youth - just ask my sisters - but I won't delve into them here.) Farewell 5-0, I’m finally falling prey to the I-want-it-now mentality – it’s just so dang inviting!

Why I'll never own a pet

My wife and I have been discussing pets. I know, why would I waste my time like that? Why even waste the precious breath in my lungs discussing the repulsive idea of having a non-human creature roaming the halls of our home.

The reason is this: we have kids. Two of them and one on the way. And we know that it is an inevitability that they will one day ask if they can have a pet.


ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY NOT, and here are some reasons why:

• Animals stink. None of them wear deodorant. Not a single one as far as I can tell.

• Animals poop. Anywhere they gosh dang please. And you, the owner of the filthy animal, have to clean up that poop because most animals I know don't poop in the toilet.

• Animals are hairy and that hair is routinely shed. On your new furniture.

• Even the best trained animals have been known to bite, kick, peck, knock over, and otherwise injure widdle kids.

• Animals are attracted to human crotches. Not just that, but they pursue that attraction in public. Animals have no shame.

• Animals run around out-of-control, which means you have to run around out-of-control to catch them and put them back where they belong.

• Unless you're comfortable with their offensive disgusting odor, you have to clean them and their dwelling place regularly.

I could go on all day, but basically, it all adds up to YUCKY and NOT FOR ME. Plus, I know that if we were to get a pet for one of our kids, they would do the work to take care of it for about a week. Then, since nobody was taking care of it, I would be the one who would have to shoot it or flush it down the toilet. Not that I mind doing that, but eventually the kids would find out and then I'm a murderer.
So let's just be okay with the no pets rule, mkay?